Just when I thought I had it all figured out I’m blind sided with the realization that I’ve only just begun and, I still have a long road ahead of me. Truthfully, I don’t think the journey ever really stops; it just gets easier as you figure out the big stuff and learn to deal with your emotions. I think as people we should always be learning and growing, until the day we die. As you all know, a few years ago I suffered a loss (see “My Brush With Death”) and then I lost my father (see “Watching My Dad drop dead in front of me”). For a long time I spent my days thinking that I would be defined by these events for the rest of my life. I would forever be “the woman who chose herself over her baby and the woman who saw her father drop dead in front of her”. I know it sounds harsh but this is actually what I spent so much time telling myself and, on top of that, I convinced myself that nobody could possibly understand my heartache so everyone else could go f**k themselves. No wonder I felt horrible for such a long time. No wonder I abused my body and myself by not taking care of it and by telling myself I was worthless. This actually became a belief of mine. I convinced myself that nobody would or could ever understand me therefore I would wallow in my own misery. I shut people out and became angry at the world. I started to blame my friends and family for not supporting me and not helping me get better all while keeping a big fat smile on my face pretending I had it all together and slowly…my life started to fall apart.
After a long haul of miserable days, weeks and sadly years, something shook me one day. I realized that I AM STILL ALIVE!! I realized that I am not a victim and that I can still live an amazing life. I realized that it’s not up to anyone else but me to do this. Nobody can help me feel better. Nobody can help me feel happy and worthy. Only I can do this for myself. For so long I beat myself up. I told myself I wasn’t good enough and truly believed it. “I must be a bad person for these horrible things to happen to me. It’s my fault.” I literally spent years defining myself by the things that happened to me. We all do this. Some in smaller respects than others but we all do this. We blame occurrences and events on our unhappiness or on our lack of success. It’s the easy way out. We lie to ourselves to make ourselves feel better by telling ourselves it’s not our fault that life is shitty, it’s because this happened to me that life is shitty. We lie to ourselves for one simple reason…FEAR! Fear of what may happen if we tell the truth and fear of actually having to grow up and accept the truth.
We fear being truthful to ourselves because it would mean we actually have to look in the mirror instead of pointing the finger. FEAR…the biggest killer of all. Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of fear. The challenge is letting go of it. We fear failure yet in the same sentence we fear success. We fear being alone yet we fear falling in love. We fear change yet we dislike what is at the present. The list goes on and affects every aspect of our lives, personal, professional, emotional and even physical.
We are our own worst enemy! We refuse to take our circumstance into our own hands yet we complain about lack of abundance and unhappiness. I cannot even begin to explain my amazement when I actually realized that I am the only one that holds my fate in my hands. Me, and only ME!
Fear is a natural part of life. Many of our fears stem from our childhood and upbringing, (this is a whole different article) however we often bury our fears and avoid facing them and their origins so much so, that they end up haunting us right into adulthood.
For Example, have you ever closed your eyes and envisioned yourself as a child living in your home. What was it like? How did you feel? What were your experiences like? Were they happy? Sad? Lonely? Filled with fear? Try this. See where your mind takes you. When I first performed this exercise the emotions that swelled up in me were enormous. Initially I didn’t even understand why I went back to that particular experience but after closely analyzing them with the help of my mentor, I quickly began to peel back the layers and the results were fascinating. This single experience unlocked so much about myself that I was never able to tune into before. WHY? Because it was buried. We choose to bury events that are painful believing they are better left in the past however, if we don’t deal with our feelings and emotions then we are neglecting ourselves and not allowing ourselves to grow. It’s like being in a boxing ring blindfolded. You’re chances at wining the fight are miniscule.
Obviously I have continued down this road and have been able to expose several experiences from my childhood that have shaped me into the person I am today. I have been able to reveal the difference between my true beliefs and the beliefs I was taught and slowly change my way of thinking as well as my way of dealing with life’s obstacles and situations. It is so empowering to be able to take life into your own hands and not expect or rely on another person. It is so inspiring to know that I can achieve whatever I set my heart to and to believe that happiness is a choice. I used to wait for others to make me happy but now I focus on me, and everything else falls into place. Making small changes everyday makes an immense difference in your life as a whole and the best part about it is…it’s never too late to start! Join me on my journey of self-discovery. I can’t promise the journey will be smooth sailing all the time but I do promise it will be exciting!
My message is this…whatever it is you desire in life is right there, on the other side of fear. Whether it’s personal happiness, professional success, abundance or love, it is within your reach. Dig down deep within yourself and uncover the origins of your fears. Face them head on and understand them. Once you acknowledge your fears you destroy their abilities to control your life and you just may uncover your best life ever!
Until next time…
“Fight your fears and you will be in a battle forever. Face your fears and you’ll be free forever.”
~ Lucas Jonkman